This is a simple non-exhaustive fuss-free guide on how to deal with those around you who are experiencing grief, coming from someone who currently belongs to the throng of people around the world who are visibly and/or invisibility saddened by the loss of someone:
- Don’t completely avoid us. Yes, we may send signals that we need to be left on our own, and such wishes of ours are better respected, but please don’t take this as an invitation to looking the other way when we’re around or low-key panicking when you’re bound to have a conversation with us, work-related or not. At some point, it would be great if you ask whether we still prefer to be left in our own, but at least 72 hours should pass between each subsequent request.
- Don’t make us feel guilty of your unease. We get it. Seeing someone sad is uncomfortable and living and/or working around us might make you uneasy. Some of that unease has nothing to do with us or our visible grief but your own history of it and your position and feelings about death, so don’t impart such struggle on us and make us feel bad that you’re feeling bad. It’s your battle, not ours. And yes, some discomfort has to be due to the fact that we’re gloomy and not the social butterflies that we once were. Remember that what happened to our loved ones has a 100% chance of happening with yours, and think about how you’ll take it, and give us a break. Compassion would be a great reaction, but your grudging acceptance of our blues should be fine too.
- Do ask us about our humans and/our creatures. Ask us who they were… How they were like…How they made us feel… Why they were special… Compliment us for our grief and tell us that it is normal and that is only a sign of the depth of love that we had for the person and/or creature that we just lost. Listening would go a long way with us, so do that!
- Don’t tell us clichés, especially the religious ones. Think about what crosses your mind when you’re in-front of a grieving person, especially if you belong to one of the traditional faiths. Yes, those. And keep it for yourself. Yes, I understand that my human is in a better place now. Yes, I know that they’re no longer in pain. Grief is about the loss of daily contact, the little mundane interactions that we no longer get to have, the void that forms and the communication that is blurry. All of this wouldn’t get solved by your there there statements. In fact, those statements would only signal how uncomfortable you are with the sad situation that you found yourself in, and that you want to say anything and run quickly before our cloud of gloom catches you as well.
- It’s not only okay to be present and silent at the same time, but it could be the best thing you can do for us. Our modern day and age detests silence and considers it a waste of time. Podcast apps now have a feature to look for silences between words and reduce them so that more time would be saved for those listening. Please face your fear of uncomfortable silences around us, and embrace them. And yes, this could be done over a voice or a video call. Knowing that there’s someone else on the line who is present with us, who is equally confused and has nothing to say about the situation that we found ourselves in, reminds us that it is okay to be speechless and confused about life and redeems silence for us.
- Don’t rush us to move on or to get us over whomever we lost. News flash for you : we will not move on. The pictures that we clung to and the new habits we formed to commemorate our loved ones may never go away. Grieving shapes us and forms us into new people and some of that change is permanent. Asking us to move on would add a burden of guilt for those of us who don’t know that we’re not supposed to move on, and may risk your eviction from our lives for those of us who do. Proceed at your own discretion.
And in all the points above, don’t forget to be present and to be genuine.