My dear affectionate brother,
I don’t know how you’re perceiving this grieving process of mine as it unfolds in front of you, but sometimes I wonder whether you’re looking at me and laughing, or cringing, or a mixture of both…
You despised things like that when we were together…
Specially how our community dealt with the death of young people…
But this is not about the others…
This is about me and you…

Honestly, I’m surprised myself of how all of a sudden, my life found new meaning around the idea that you existed, and that you continue to exist but in a different form and in a different realm…
I tell myself that my opinion of you hasn’t changed one bit by the news of your departure, but if that so, my lovely brother, why haven’t I took more advantage of you when you were around?
Why did I miss out on you during your last 4 months on earth?

I hope you forgive me if I’m being too much…
Some of it stems from the fact that I am a soul that is constantly starving for kindness and in you I found it and I found it in abundance…
And part of it comes from how life has been dealing with me lately, and that I am almost always hanging by a straw…
Your loss is not the straw, but a strong wave that wiped out the little hope that I had…

I had my doubts before on wanting to lead a long life by our current human measure…
But now I am fully certain that I don’t want to age…
That an early exist, and a lawful one for that matter, is something that is as alluring to me as growing old with a soulmate…

How can I keep your legacy without being crushed by the pain of not being able to meet you again?
How can I look forward to the years to come, to a life to construct, to goals to achieve, and to dreams to chase, if at the end of the day your life and death proved once and for all how futile such endeavours are?

I am in need of your kindness…
More than ever before…
Continue to find me in my alienation…