Dear brother,
This exercise from the looks of it might seem to be futile,
for according to your Facebook profile and what people have been posting,
according to the texts that I received and the ‘Are you okays?’ that are going unanswered,
you’re no longer among us.
I can’t send you a link to this.
I can’t share with you the earlier post about the salt of the earth, those kinder than kindness, of whom you are chief.
This is but a way for me to sit down and try to get this thought into my head that you are no more.
Are you kidding me, man? You texted me hours before your ‘departure’…
We said we’re going to talk soon…
My only solace is that I did tell you that I miss you, and you replied saying that you miss me so so so much…
That despite the fact you’ve been trying to reach me for the past four months and that life has kept me busy from talking to you, my lovely brother, I did manage to tell you that I miss you one last time…
I remember when I first saw you…
We had friends in common and suddenly you appeared…
And I knew that I needed you in my life…
I remember one of our common friends did tell you how much I admired you…
I rarely if ever stalk people into being my friends,
never have the courage,
but with you, I knew I wanted you in my life…
And you proved my instinct right, time and time again…
Honestly, I’m not surprised by the way you left us…
Despite the shock of it all, and the fact that this gloomy news hasn’t been internalised…
Once I heard it, I knew it was possible…
See, my friend, my dear brother, with whom I had little daily contact but a lot of affection and love,
You were kindness incarnate,
Everyone took advantage of you, me included,
and you let them…
Never in my life have I seen someone choose to give and give even when it seems that you were beyond depletion…
You were not stupid…
I’m sorry, you are not stupid…
You’re not naïve…
You did a mental calculation in your head, and to you, it was all worth it…
To burn and to be consumed in the service of others…
How hard was it for us to get you to talk about your struggles,
it was harder than squeezing clean a bottle of toothpaste…
It certainly felt like it…
It took effort to get you to talk and not listen…
For unlike most of us, my dear brother, you hard problems in talking, and not listening…
How on earth can I absorb your loss?
To come home and not see you…
To look into the unanswered texts that you sent me and not be able to reply…
To see your missed calls and not regret leaving everything that I was doing and picking up those calls…
Only time will tell, my beautiful brother, but I want it to tell a different story…
I don’t know what I was doing at the time of your departure,
but if I triangulate the information that I have, I was probably chanting,
I went off-script and chanted a psalm in the wrong hour,
and the psalm said,
‘Precious in the sight of the Lord
Is the death of His saints.’
Was I mourning you without knowing?
Only time will tell…
My beautiful affectionate brother,
The one that was presented to me on a tray of gold,
with whom I sensed accepted, safe, and loved,
very very loved.
How lucky am I to have you in my life?
How fortunate am I to have got the privilege to see through that beautiful heart of yours and the sacrifice of life that you offered to God and to those around you?
I love you.
I said it to you numerous times, and I hope I never cease to say it,
I love you.
And I know every time I say it that I’ll hear your affectionate answer back.
Loud and clear.