I feel called, compelled, maybe even forced to write these lines.
Urged to the point that I had to leave my desk, find somewhere where I can be on my own, and give whatever force that is behind this control over me so that we can get over with this.
My body was touched.
And I feel more alive than ever.
I have spent years reminiscing on something I have not fully experienced.
A thing that I only catch glimpses of when a hug is shared with a friend, or a stranger sitting in the seat next to me on a plane accidentally sleeps on my shoulder.
I knew this is what I needed the most.
And based on those fleeting moments of experience with human touch, I built theories and fantasized about being held by someone.
And I always wondered whether my fantasies would ever come to life, sometimes descending into bouts of depression when I convince myself those fantasies would never happen, but they did.
I saw you before when you came for a short visit..
You were burdened and stressed and not sure about yourself.
And that probably is why I developed this bond and affinity towards you.
That genuineness that you had and the ability not to pretend.
Such a rarity when you’re found in a bubble where the only way someone can survive is to actually pretend everything is fine.
Seeing you where you live and work, I recognised that the stress that I saw in you before, and saw that it shared your everyday life.
It was there with you in the morning, and didn’t leave you when the official work hours ended or even during leisure activities.
And that’s why I wanted to come closer.
Because beauty and humility is sometimes manifest when we’re not trying at all.
And you weren’t trying at all.
Questions are the same, the vocabulary used might be identical, but the way questions are asked and the spirit by which they’re asked make all the difference.
I wasn’t the first person and will not be the last to ask you ‘how you’re doing?’ or ‘if everything was fine?’ but you saw in me that admiration of your genuine ability to not hide the truth, and perhaps that was enough for you not to give me half a response, but to open up with me about the scary and the shameful.
It didn’t take much from my side for you to open up, not because of any inherent goodness of mine, but probably because you were tired, too tired to test the waters and determine how trustworthy a human being is before sharing.
And before long, I saw a tired but beautiful being asking me if it would be possible for us to share the same bed for the night.
I couldn’t have said no.
The way you said it, the audacity of such a question asked simply and without complexity, the eyes you had that were tired, the fact that you knew your healing lies in being touched by someone else, how could one say no to any of this?
And so I said yes, and my heart instantly smiled when I did so.
For it wasn’t only you who were tired and craving for human company,
but I’ve been waiting too,
and for once the stars aligned and put two people who need the same exact thing in front of each other.
How could I come to describe the experience of it all?
My body was touched.
My soul was touched even more.
I suddenly felt alive.
Grounded in the here and now,
not haunted by the past,
and not scared of the future.
You in my arms,
I saw how different we are,
coming from different parts of the world,
subscribing to different belief systems,
committed to different things.
Me in your arms,
I saw how similar we are,
with the same basic needs,
same confusion towards life,
and same delight in being held by the other.
I could barely hold myself from being the hopeless romantic that I am,
barely containing the words, ‘I love you’,
for how can someone trust you with their body not be loved,
how can someone who restores the senses to your skin and bones not be adored?